Welcome to my website of insights into alcohol, alcoholism, addiction and sobriety.
In the beginning, alcohol provides escape and excitement. It made my own behaviour impossible to predict, let alone anyone else’s. And that unpredictability eliminated the risk of boredom. But it was the change in perception that made me come back for more, even when things had gone a bit wrong last time. Alcohol helped me forget the outside world, so that I just focused on what was going on around me.
Take the alcohol away and what had I got? A brightly lit room with chairs and people and an acute sense of my own inadequacy.
As time went on, I relied on alcohol to take the strain of socialising – by helping me relax. It was as though I had handed control to the alcohol so that I didn’t have to worry any more. I found events without alcohol less exciting, less enjoyable, more anxious-making. But it often went wrong, and I took responsibility for that. I didn’t blame the alcohol. I blamed myself for drinking too fast, or starting too early, or choosing the wrong drinks. I treated it as a learning curve. Alcohol had to be respected. If it altered my mood, I vowed to get more of grip on myself and my behaviour. I never thought to change my drinking.
Eventually I realised that alcohol could take the edge off even work sometimes. I also found that socialising could get in the way of it a bit. I preferred staying in and drinking. Or drinking and then going out.
In the end, it became the centre of my world, even when I wasn’t drinking; especially when I wasn’t drinking. And that’s when nothing in particular happened, but everything changed…